Recently, I’ve been fortunate enough to introduce some new New Yorkers to the bounty that is Brooklyn. In doing so, I realized that a very important affectation every young buck in an urban setting should have is their Brooklyn Survival Pack. Can’t go wandering those streets without one. It’s what you’ll have on you when you die in some drunken, cab-related death – so it’s best to make sure it’s in good, working order. Here, as a public service, I offer the ultimate guide
to the Brooklyn Survival Pack. First, lets consider the container. We have many variations to choose from:
1. The Douche-Bag: Heavy as fuck but you will totally get laid.
2. The Laid-Back-Pack: For the casual caballero.
3. The Indiana Groans: We get it dude. You own a Polaroid/holga/fedora/yawn.
4. The Bargain Bindle: For the most frugal of street urchins. Bar hopping is expensive.
Once you’ve found the right container, it’s best to start small. Bare essentials. A-Z:
1. Deodorant: Cannot stress this one enough. You walk EVERYWHERE.
2. Toothbrush: Mainly for show. We usually just brush our teeth with last call.
3. Phone Charger: Don’t mean to put any undue stress, but when your phone dies, YOU DIE.
4. Anti-Family Values: No, but seriously.
5. Subway Book/Ephemera: If you aren’t reading something, you’d better start. At least some comics. New York’s literatti will bore you to death
Once you’ve got your essentials covered, you’ll be free to dig into other avenues and really customize your adventure pack. For instance, The Ramblin’ Man:
1. 35mm Wrench: Fuck MacGyver.
2. Tire Lever: If you don’t bike in Brooklyn, you’re an idiot.
3. Spare Tube: Brooklyn’s roads SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Also: read above.
4. Tire Pump: Preferably with a name like Joe Blow or Master Blaster.
5. Bungee Cable: Gotta be able to tie down whoeve—I mean, whatever you need to.
Now that you’re all set to go the distance, let’s talk about what you’ll need once you get where you’re going. You aren’t a true Brooklynite unless you have at least 3 occupations and one of them is as an unemployed creative (actor, writer,
photographer, artist, wizard, cat hat enthusiast, etc..). I give you The Creator’s Cradle:
1. Writing Utensil: Life-saver. Feel free to replace with neon, glittery, gel roll alternatives for rad results!
2. Documentation Station: Your screenplay for Surf Cowboy goes here alongside some babe’s fake number and that thing you’re gonna look up later.
3. Pencil Case: Snacks go here.
4. Tape: Sometimes, things fall apart.
These are, in essence, all you need. but if you’re feeling a little greedy, follow me into the bonus round where we have The Party Pack:
1. Light-tron: Be the Prometheus of any social situation. (Note: Those fancy refillable bastards are unsustainable.)
2. Makeout Insurance: Priceless. Everyone in Brooklyn loves cheese.
3. Party Box: Feel free to experiment—empty deodorant, mint/candy boxes and prescription drug containers all work great!
4. Rolling Papers: I used to just tear pages out of the bible, but this is a lot (less fun) more portable.
5. Hater Blockers: For your hungover walk of fame and/or conspicuous snack run.
6. Mama’s Sauce: The truest social lubricant.
7. Shiv: Countless applications. Mainly re-enacting the “THATS NOT A KNOIFE!” scene from Crocodile Dundee while making everyone uncomfortable.
I think that pretty much covers it. Unless you wanna get Extra Fancy. Like the ketchup:
1. Extra Work Shirt: Ya never know when that one drink might turn into 3 days away from home.
2. Hangover Repair Kit: Srsly.
3. Hot Sauce: Some people/places are idiots, and you will have to supply your own at times.
4. Screwdriver: Locked doors, screwing things—we’re gettin’ fancy here.
5 Security Snake: Gotta keep all that cool shit in your bag safe! Or at least screw over the dickhole who stole your bag.
6. Bandana: Good napkin/wound wrap/identity hider for when you decide to return to your life as a bandit.
Go forth my Brooklyn Babies. Go forth and thrash.